THE SUMMER HELP "THE BROWN BOTTLE FLU" INT. REBECCA'S HOUSE- MORNING The sun shines through the broken blinds of a once fairly tidy house. It's now been laid to ruin by the likes of what appears to have been an incredible party the night before. Furniture is misplaced, food is everywhere and there are beer and liquor bottles in piles throughout the house. DEREK emerges from one of the piles very slowly with the obvious signs of a hangover. DEREK (Holding his head) Oh my god, I feel like crap. DEREK looks around and realizes he's not familiar with his surroundings. DEREK (Tired and slurred) Wha- who's house is this? REBECCA (Off-screen) My house. DEREK looks over to see REBECCA in uniform standing at the staircase. She looks just as hungover, but especially angry. REBECCA My house... that you guys decided to throw some stupid kegger at. DEREK But you threw this party... REBECCA (Pissed off) Nope, I came home last night and the first thing I know I'm being held over a keg! Come on, we're almost late for work, I'll give you a lift. INT. REBECCA'S CAR- MORNING REBECCA drives as DEREK sits in the passenger seat. DEREK (Confounded, leaning his head against the side-window) Then whose party was it? REBECCA Jim, who else??? DEREK I'm sure his hangover will make him regret it... Could you drive slower please? REBECCA (Angry warning) No. And Derek, you'd better not throw up in this car! CUT TO: JIM sleeps peacefully under a blanket on what appears to be a dirty futon. He wakes up yawning, 100% hangover-free. REVEAL: JIM is actually sleeping in the backseat of his car, which is parked in the parking lot of the REC CENTER. JIM gets out of his car, brushing his teeth. REBECCA's car pulls in next to him. DEREK Hey Jim, you make it home alright last night? JIM Yeah just fine. JIM spits, tosses his toothbrush in the car and slams his car door shut. INT. MEADOWLARK REC CENTER MAIN OFFICE JIM, DEREK, REBECCA stand at attention as BURCH gives them today's briefings. BURCH is the same height as them somehow. REVEAL to show BURCH is really fucking short and simply walking back and forth on a table. BURCH ALRIGHT YOU MAGGOTS, TODAY IS VERY IMPORTANT! TODAY IS THE ANNUAL MEADOWLARK FIELD DAY! THIS IS A DAY THAT WILL PROVE YOUR WORTH AS A COUNSELOR AND A HUMAN BEING! DEREK (Whispering to JIM) How come you're not hungover? JIM (Whispering) Uh 'cause I'm not a lightweight like you. DEREK (Whispering a little loudly) Hey, I had 3 whole beers la- BURCH (Screaming in DEREK's ear) THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO GOSSIP LADIES! DEREK screams and holds his ears as BURCH's voice gives him the worst hangover headache imaginable. BURCH AND JUST WHERE IS FLOWER GIRL?! REBECCA (Pointing to her side) Over there Burch. Pan over to reveal LOLITA in a drug-induced trance laying against the wall in the other side of the room. JIM (Walking over to LOLITA, talking to her as if she was a household pet) Heyyyy, look who made it back from the party. LOLITA stays silent with her mouth hanging open, her eyes dart in different directions. JIM (From LOLITA's POV, morphing and flashing colors) Hey, you still trippin' from last night? You took a ton! BURCH (Getting in LOLITA's face) GET OFF YOUR ASS AND INTO POSITION! LOLITA begins to scream and runs out of the office. BURCH UGH! Come on you grunts, you fail to realize the importance of FIELD DAY! BURCH holds up a copy of The Meadowlark Messenger. BURCH (Cont'd.) The local Newspaper is going to be here to cover the event! The NEWSPAPER! BURCH throws the newspaper aside. BURCH Our success today determines whether or not we're going to be open next year! YOU READ ME? DEREK stands swaying sickly, REBECCA yawns and doesn't give a shit and... JIM (Reading the newspaper) Yup, gotcha. BURCH rips the paper out of JIM's hands and crumples it up. JIM (Upset) Hey! I was reading Garfield! EXT. REC CENTER PLAYING FIELD- MID-DAY The field is set up with several different activities with hundreds of kids involved. Parents watch onward and the staff stands not-really-ready at their stations. A large banner displaying "12th Annual Meadowlark Field Day" hangs in the background. REBECCA stands at a hula-hoop station. She is holding a hula-hoop with one hand as if it were a circus act. REBECCA Alright, you kids are gonna jump through this hoop and you'd better not knock it out of my hand. LITTLE KID I think we're just supposed to hula hoop. REBECCA (Menacingly) Just be lucky I didn't get the jump rope workshop. If I could whip you kids, I would. All the kids immediately comply and start jumping through the hula hoop. A large, hairy blob walks up behind REBECCA. It's NORM. REBECCA (Back to him) What Norm. NORM Hi Rebecca, just wanted to say that was a pretty uh awesome party last night. We should do that again sometime. REBECCA Wasn't my party. NORM Well it was fun anyway. And I was wondering if you'd wanna go- REBECCA spots JIM from across the field and marches off cutting NORM off. NORM Oh well talk to you later. JIM and DEREK lounge on some bleachers. DEREK is laying down, trying to rest off and moaning. REBECCA stomps over in full bitch mode. JIM What's up Becky. REBECCA It's Rebecca and what the hell makes you think you can throw a party at my house?! JIM (Calmly) Wasn't me. REBECCA When I have proof it was you I'll be back. REBECCA storms off. DEREK Why did you throw a party at her place, on a Sunday night of all times? JIM (Pointing over to Norm) I didn't do it, Burch's office lackey Norm over there did. DEREK Norm? Really? JIM Yeah he did it as some poor attempt to get into Becky's pants. DEREK Oh, what the hell. BURCH (Appearing out of nowhere) MANTHEE, WOODSWORTH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST SITTING HERE?! JIM (Getting up and walking away) I'm out of here Mr. Boss man. BURCH MANTHEE, GO JOIN THAT SOCCER GAME! DEREK Uh sir, I don't think that's the best idea, I'm not feeling too good and- BURCH GET OUT THERE MANTHEE! BURCH shoves DEREK off-screen into the soccer game. BURCH YEAH STRETCH OUT THOSE CHICKEN LEGS, RUN RUN! BE A ROLE MODEL, BE A ROLE MODEL! An audible THUD is heard as DEREK falls to the ground OFF-SCREEN and begins vomiting. BURCH God, at least not on the ball... EXT. MEADOWLARK REC CENTER PARKING LOT LOLITA wanders aimlessly through the parking lot. She bumps into several cars blindly, then sets off a car alarm, scaring her in the other direction. LOLITA ends up wondering toward the Field Day festivities. She is immediately accosted by children. KIDDY CROWD Can you tie my shoe?- I want a hug- I'm hungry- My parents left without me... LOLITA is terrified as she believes the kids are climbing up onto her and turning to monsters. LOLITA AGH! GET AWAY FROM MY BLOOD! LOLITA kicks them away from her, begins running and falls right infront of bleachers full of parents and onlookers. She looks up and sees a sea of warped, morphing, horrific faces. LOLITA AGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! CUT TO: BURCH ADVISES THE ACTIVITIES FROM A FAR AS A REPORTER WALKS UP TO HIM CARRYING A PAD AND PENCIL, AND A CAMERA AROUND HIS NECK. REPORTER Are you Mr. Burchibald? BURCH THAT'S SERGEANT BURCHIBALD! I mean yes I am. REPORTER Hi I'm from the newspaper. CUT TO: JIM WALKS OVER TO REBECCA WHO IS VERBALLY ABUSING THE KIDS. REBECCA Come on you chubby tit! Give me some situps! JIM Norm did it. REBECCA (Furious as fuck) What?! Oh I'm going to murder him. CUT BACK TO: BURCH IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY THE REPORTER. REPORTER So how does your summer program function. BURCH Oh like a family! These kids are like my own flesh n' blood! As JIM is walking by, BURCH grabs him with his arm around his neck in an act of fake comradery. BURCH Isn't that right Woodie? JIM Sure is Pa! REBECCA and NORM appear behind BURCH as she kicks him into a trash can and knocks it over. REBECCA You're washing the puke out of my couch cushions asshole! LOLITA's screaming from a distance catches all of their attention. LOLITA is now stumbling around, knocking over parents yelling incomprehensively. BURCH, JIM, the REPORTER, and REBECCA look at each other back and forth as BURCH gets embarrassed. JIM takes action. JIM NO LOLITA! KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON! THEY'RE NOT ON FIRE! JIM runs off, knocking BURCH over as escapes his grasp. BURCH and the REPORTER remain silent as BURCH shoots a nervous smile. REPORTER Yeah we'll just hold this interview for later, this is way more interesting. The REPORTER runs off holding up his camera. A look of morbidity washes over BURCH as everything around him is unraveling. REBECCA (Trying to be reassuring) ...At least newspaper is a dying medium. BURCH buries his face in his hands. THE END