Doppel Dingus th’ Wizard
Doppel Dingus the Wizard
Thine Thrice Cats
Sir Evil Knight Perseus Finnigus Mantus Bitch-Fuck
The Drunken Bard
Chapter 4: The Dawn of Doppel Dingus; dingus gets laid
Doppel Dingus the Wizard lived up on a hill way out yonder past the humble town of Fimbus and beyond the dark forest of Yorn. Doppel Dingus had thrice cats, and a beard that ‘twas long as he was tall. He donned a magician’s cap, and a robe spun of sylk and dragon’s hyde. Being a practitioner of the magical arts (magic), Dingus knew most every spell there was to know, from the Charm of Conjuring æ Pot-Roaste to the Hex of Doom and Death.
And so it was that one day in the year ????, as our hungry wizard friend was conjuring himself a rather scrumptious corn-on-the-cob to eat for break-fast, Sir Evil Knight Perseus Finnigus Mantus Bitch-Fuck burst through the door.
“Wattup bitches?” wailed Perseus, much like an electric guitar. The evil knight stood seven feet tall and adorned a sinister coat of black armor. He stood in the doorway, awaiting a response from the stunned Dingus.
“Are you calling me a bitch?” asked Dingus, scratching his head.
“No!” shouted Perseus, pointing with his finger to the thrice cats that lay idly on the mat at the corner of the house. “I am SO obviously referring to your cats. Anyway, that doesn’t even fucking matter. I’m here so we can settle our score, Dingleburger.”
“Score? What?” said Dingus, ignoring the multiple things that were wrong with Perseus’s explanation.
“Dude. Don’t play dumb. Remember in Medievschool when you, Lancelot and Arthur bullied me because of my last name?”
“Your last name is Bitch-fuck,” stated Dingus. “There wasn’t a single person in Medievschool who didn’t tease you about that.”
“Shut up!” sobbed Perseus. “I’ve gotten over that now…”
“Then what score are you talking about?”
“Uh… uh… uh… uh… you… uh…”
“Look, just…” Dingus began, “I don’t know why you came to my house, calling my cats bitches and babbling about some score, but you really need to calm down. Take a chill pill. Here, I’ll cast a hex of relaxation on you.”
“Eat shit, Dingleburger,” said Perseus before the wizard could draw his staff. “They don’t call me Evil Knight for no reason, you know. I might have no feasibly apparent cause to inflict harm and conflict, but fuck that shit.”
And with that, Perseus leapt forth, swept up the three cats in a bag, and whisked away out the door before Dingus could even think about casting a spell.
Chapter the 6: dingus the cool
Dingus teleported himself down to the pub in Fimbus to find out where the evil knight had taken his cats. The tavern was ripe with the sights and sounds of gay, drunk laughter. Dingus inquired the local bard about the whereabouts of his feline friends.
“Sup,” said Dingus.
“And whom hath we here? Is it not but Doppel Dingus th’ Wizard, the most renowned warlock in thine last centurie?”
“Yeah, I guess,” shrugged Dingus. “Do you know where my cats are?”
“Ahhh! Nay, I do noth, but shall you ask atwixt the Dark Foresst, you are bound 2 find your answer.”
Dingus then teleported himself to the dark forest of Yorn where he instantly found himself surrounded by a horde of goblins wielding pitchforks and spears.
“No teleport in forest. Go back,” grunted one goblin, his green skin, bulging eyes and low-pitched voice inflicting a tinge of fear in our good wizard friend.
“No wizard either. Wizard bad.” said another goblin.
Dingus expertly drew his staff, and the goblins backed away an inch.
“Look guys,” began Dingus. “I’m sorry you have some strange goblin vendetta against wizards, but I really need to find my cats.”
“Cat no here.”
There was something oddly suspicious about the way the goblins were acting. Dingus had come to Yorn plenty of times without being ambushed by the little creatures.
“Look,” said Dingus. “I’ll give you guys one chance to get out of my way.”
“No cat,” said a goblin, a blob of drool cascading down his chin.
Dingus uttered a word and the goblins were cinders. Without a second thought, he stepped right over the ashes and into the depths of the forest, sheathing his wand (which was actually a staff).
Dingus proceeded through the forest until he came upon the Impenetrable Fortress of Unbreakable Magnitude. He walked through the front door, and to his surprise, it was completely empty – devoid of a single goblin, troll, or imp. It was entirely barren, and pitch dark inside.
“Well, gee,” said Dingus, out loud to himself. “That bard sure was full of shit.”
That’s when Dingus heard a faint laughter from inside the fortress. Curious, he took a step forward. The lights flickered on and there stood a hideous Jackanape. Having but an instant to dodge, Dingus tumbled & fumbled, narrowly avoding the jack-alope’s razor fang.
“What business hath ye in thane donjon?” boomed the feisty Jackanape.
“I just came to get my cats back, dude,” said Dingus.
“Thou shalt not pass. This keep is thine property of The Evil Knight Sir Perseus Finnigus Mantus Bitch-Fuck, of whom I guarde with most zeal.”
“Zeal this” said Dingus, which was his bad attempt at a one-liner. Drawing his stave, the Jack barely had time to react as Dingus cast the Oblivion Hail spell, rendering it dead.
Chapter X: dingus fuck u!
Dingus returned to the pub in Fimbus via teleportation, where he once again found the Bard in the pub.
“Hath thou found thine cats?” murmured the Bard, taking a swig of ale.
“No,” said Dingus. “I was ambushed by some goblins and a Jackanape.”
“A Jackanape you say? Quite th’ tale, I musst say!”
“Yeah. So, uh, I’m going back, because I discovered Perseus’s stronghold. He’s the one who has my cats. Just thought I’d let you know.”
“BEWARE!” spewed the bard, sending shards of saliva splashing in Dingus’s face. “Sir Evil Knight Perseus is not one to be taken lightlie.”
“Okay, whatever,” said Dingus, wiping the spit off his cheek.
Dingus teleported back into the Impenetrable Fortress, and walked deep into the maze. Soon he came to a locked door that no magic could undo the latch to. Outwitted and frustrated, Dingus decided to take a break. Pulling out his trusty Nintendo DSi, Dingus played Kirby Superstar Ultra for hours until he grew bored.
“Now what?” he muttered to no one in particular.
“Now what?” the walls echoed back.
Suddenly, an idea sprang into Dingus’s mind. Taking out his DSi once more, he reeled back his arm and slammed the device as hard as he could against the doorknob of the locked door. The DSi shattered into one million tiny fragments. The door didn’t budge.
“Cock-nuggets!” screamed Dingus, kicking the door in frustration, to which it opened instantaneously. Behind it stood King Arthur.
“King Arthur?” said Dingus. “What the heck are you doing here, dude?”
“I have come to stop you, Dingus” bellowed the King.
“But I thought we were homies!”
“You cannot have your cats back, Dingus” said King Arthur in a commanding tone. “There are things about those cats that you might not ever comprehend. We are using them to create another universe.”
“But… in order to do that you would have to destroy this universe!”
“Yes… but everyone in this castle will survive, and be transported to the new universe. Heh! Heh! Heh!”
“You’re crazy, dude!” shouted the Dingus. “I just want my cats back. Where are they? Where is Perseus?”
“He is waiting patiently on his throne so he can be crowned the king of the new universe.”
“Well I guess I’ll have to get through you to get him! Hi-ya!”
Suddenly, King Arthur and Dingus were standing in the middle of an arena.
“I used my kingly magic to transport us here” said Arthur. “The victor will be granted an audience with Emperor Perseus.
“Have at you!”
Dingus spat a fireball made of magic meatballs that pierced King Arthur’s skull, killing him. The audience hissed and booed as Dingus was escorted by several guards to the audience chamber.
Chapter Final Chapter 2:
“Perseus!” crapped Dingus, “Where are my cats?”
Perseus sat on his throne, looking exhausted. He pointed with his index finger to the wall, where Dingus saw his three cats each hooked up by their paws to some sort of device. The machine was draining them of their power, which was evident by nothing really in particular.
“Jeez. Can’t we all just be friends?” inquired Dingus.
“Yeah, I’m getting kind of bored of this whole new universe spiel anyway.”
Perseus got up from his chair, stretched, yawned, pointed with his staff at the three captive cats, and undid their chains.
“Thanks dude.” said Dingus. “Well, I guess we’ll be on our way…”
Suddenly, Spain burst out of Dingus’s chest.
“Urgh…. Gurgh… what did you… do to me?” said Dingus, struggling on the ground as Spain slowly crushed him.
“You shouldn’t have trusted me, dingleberry. You didn’t even notice when I surgically implanted the entire country of Spain into your bloodstream. Heh!”
Perseus triumphantly rose from his chair (which he had already risen from) and cackled a hideous laugh. But he had forgotten one little thing…
Suddenly, Spain exploded in a fury of whiskers.
“Whaaaaaaaaaat?” blubbered Perseus as shards of Spain were sent flying all across the room.
The three cats still had enough energy left to save the day!
“Shit. I thought I had eliminated all obstacles!” whined Perseus.
“Think again” said Dingus, drawing his staff. He concentrated all of his energy into the wand and blasted Perseus to smithereens with a Doom Death Kill spell!
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” squealed Perseus as he died.
After the dust cleared, Dingus and his three cats were the only things left standing in the big pile of rubble.
“Lets go home, guys.”
“Okay” said Sing Boy.