untitled VN project

[rtil]

well, it was bound to happen eventually. a few days ago i had an idea for my own visual novel. it's got feels. it's got schoolgirls. it's got hentai (maybe).

at this point i am going to lay out the basic structure of the entire novel in a way that you can read through it making decisions and seeing how the route you choose would play out all through to the end. if you don't have time to read it, then please wait until you do. on your first try please read through the route without looking at decisions you didn't make and tell me what your first result was. i am also not an experienced writer, so i don't' know if what i'm writing is complete tripe or is actually compelling. if you have ideas or critique for me, please share it. i will appreciate it very much.

so at this point i will introduce the two girls of potential routes:

Chiharu is a girl who looks too young for high school, but has a calm and reserved routine and sensibility that makes you question her looks.
Kioku is a popular, attractive girl in the school who is bubbly and outgoing, who is also sweet and takes her studying seriously.

The main character is as of yet unnamed, but transferred his senior year into a new high school , living alone in an apartment having to start a new life in a new school with his old friends miles away.

BASIC STRUCTURE:

STARTING SCHOOL
You are a young adult male entering a new high school your senior year. All your old friends are gone and it's time to start new.

MEETING KIOKU
In your first week you are assigned a homeroom project with random partners. Your teacher pairs you with Kioku. You get to know eachother pretty well, and consider yourself lucky because Kioku is quite popular and pretty amongst your classmates. On the last day before the assignment is due you finish the rest of the project at Kioku's house, and she invites you out to a treat. You oblige and she hints at the fact that she likes you. At this point it should be established that you and Kioku are good friends.

MEETING CHIHARU
After the final bell one day you get caught up in a conversation with a classmate for too long and realize you are going to miss your bus. You dash out the class around the corner and run into Chiharu. Both of your books and papers crash and fall to the ground. You apologize and help her gather her things. By the time you're done you've both missed the bus and you offer to walk her home. She seems surprised by your offer but quietly accepts. On the way there you talk quite a bit about yourself but she seems reluctant to reveal much about herself. When you get to her dwelling you find the appearance of it pecuilar. As you are staring at the building she asks you if you will please come inside with her. You say yes and follow her as she gently tugs at your shirt guiding you inside.

Once you enter it seems as if the building is abandoned. You go up some stairs with her and when she leads you to a door she thanks you very much and says your name. You ask if she will be ok and she silently nods. So you tell her that you will see her tomorrow. She smiles and walks in.

At some point in the story here a connection needs to be made that Chiharu and Kioku know eachother in some way, and Kioku must display one simple act of kindness towards Chiharu.

ROUTE DECISIONS
PEEK IN LOCKER ROOM / WALK BY
You are walking down the hall and notice the door to the girl's locker room is slightly open. do you ...
PEEK IN LOCKER ROOM: [spoiler]You see Kioku changing into a cheerleader outfit. She notices you and you attempt to dart away, but she yells at you from down the hall and tells you to come back. She appears upset, but her mood changes when she playfully teases you for your slip-up. You end up meeting her after her cheerleading session for dinner and get closer to Kioku.

You now have +1 point for Kioku[/spoiler]

WALK BY: [spoiler]Deciding not to risk it you walk by. You notice Chiharu standing sitting outside on a bench alone. You sit next to her and spend the evening talking on the bench for quite a long time. You get closer to Chiharu.

You now have +1 point for Chiharu[/spoiler]

EAT LUNCH INSIDE / EAT LUNCH OUTSIDE
It's lunchtime. Do you...
EAT LUNCH INSIDE: [spoiler]You are looking for a table but it is very crowded. Kioku notices you and waves you down to make room for you at her table. It's very loud and everyone is chattering, but she seems to be more interested in you. You get closer to Kioku.

You now have +1 point for Kioku[/spoiler]

EAT LUNCH OUTSIDE: [spoiler]It's a beautiful day and the lunchroom is crowded so you decide to eat lunch outside. Again you find Chiharu alone , sitting against the wall of the school with an almost untouched lunch platter. You eat an almost silent lunch with Chiharu as she uninterestingly pokes at her food and mostly stares blankly out into the field outside the school. But she thanks you for eating with her and gives you a smile. You get closer to Chiharu.

You now have +1 point for Chiharu[/spoiler]

KIOKU'S NOTE
Kioku excitedly crumples a note into your hand after a class and runs off before you can say anything. You open it and it says to meet her underneath the maple tree behind the school field after the final bell.

If Chiharu has 2 points the following will occur:
[spoiler]CHIHARU ENCOUNTER
On your way to meet Kioku after school, you hear someone behind you collapse and shriek. You turn around to see Chiharu bent over in front of her locker clutching her chest. You run towards her and help her up and ask her if she is ok. She has a tear in her eye and tells you to please come with her to the nurse's office. You look at the clock and realize that you are already late to meet Kioku at the tree. What do you do?

SHOW HER WHERE TO GO / GO WITH HER
SHOW HER WHERE TO GO: [spoiler]You tell Chiharu that you need to leave immediately but that you'll meet her shortly to check on her. You point her in the direction of the nurse's office and she looks a little disappointed.

You run to the field and find Kioku still waiting for you. She is slightly aggravated that you are late, but kisses you on the cheek and confesses that she wants you to be her date to the upcoming dance. You accept and she is glowing with happiness. She grabs your hand and tells you it's time for another date.

After dinner, Kioku expresses to you that her parents are on vacation and wants to take you to her home. Possible H-scene here.

You now have +1 point for Kioku and the dance flag[/spoiler]

GO WITH HER: [spoiler]You decide that Chiharu looks to be in pretty bad shape - Kioku would understand when you get a chance to explain it to her tomorrow. You take Chiharu to the nurse's office as she slowly walks there, but when you get near to it she says she doesn't want to go there because they can't do anything for her. She needs something else. You pause at her somewhat cryptic confession but continue on. Soon you realize she is taking you back to where she lives. She tells you to trust her. When you arrive, instead of going up the stairs, she takes you to the back of the building through a corridor. In the back is a room with many colored windows. She is slightly tugging at your shirt still like she has in the past.

She stops slowly and turns around to face you. The sun setting through the windows casts eerie but soft glows around her. She takes a deep breath and begins to explain to you that you are the first friend she has had in a long time. But you are so young, you ask. She closes her eyes and shakes her head softly. She explains to you that she has a curse that was placed on her as a child that immediately killed her parents, but allowed her to live on. When did this happen? You ask. She says over 400 years ago, but she has lost count of the exact date.

Startled by how serious and somber she is while explaining this to you, you ask about the occurance in the hall. She explains that she is very slowly turning into something she cannot understand. Again she says, do you trust me? She asks you to come closer. She takes off her coat and brings up the sleeve on her undershirt, revealing a strange black scar seemingly consuming her skin. You run your hand on it and it is strange to the touch, unlike anything you have ever seen.

She asks you if you believe her, and you try to nod but taking it all in gives you difficulty in reacting. She then apologizes and runs up to and embraces you. It calms you and you return the gesture and tell her that it you will be there for her.

The evening begins and she explains that she has been trying to live a normal life all this time as she has barely aged from grade schooler to high schooler over centuries, trying to find love again after losing her family and watching so many generations come and go. In her abandoned room there are clothes and items from over history that she has kept in her years of living. You realize that she has been keeping these with her as the places she has lived must also have come and gone.

Deep into the night she confesses that she has feelings for you and that you are the only one who she felt genuinely cared about her since she can ever remember. She shivers slightly as the building has no power. You come close to her and wrap an arm around her for warmth. Possible H-scene here.

You now have +1 point for Chiharu and the Chiharu flag[/spoiler][/spoiler]

Otherwise, the following occurs:
[spoiler]You run to the field and find Kioku waiting for you. She kisses you on the cheek and confesses that she wants you to be her date to the upcoming dance. You accept and she is glowing with happiness. She grabs your hand and tells you it's time for another date.

After dinner, Kioku expresses to you that her parents are on vacation and wants to take you to her home. Possible H-scene here.

You now have +1 point for Kioku and the dance flag[/spoiler]

FUTURE
At this point someone has 2 or 3 points.

if you have the Chiharu flag, you are locked into END 1.

if you have the dance flag you begin KIOKU'S ROUTE and are locked into either END 2 or END 3.

CHIHARU'S ROUTE [END 1][spoiler]
You and Kioku and your classmates slowly drift apart as the year ebbs, as you spend more time with Chiharu as you find her odd hobbies and habits outside school charming and exciting.

She does not express any interest in the school dance. You both watch the festivities from a nearby building top in amusement, sharing a picnic you made up for the both fo you.

After the dance, graduation takes place shortly after. You propose to her and get married shortly after.

You dedicate your future studies and life to helping Chiharu break her curse. Time passes by, and she barely ages while you whither away with little success.

As you near your death, she confesses something to you - at any time, she could have passed on her curse to you, and her eternal life could be shared. But she loved you so much that she did not want to bring this curse on to the only person she ever shared these feelings with. She wishes that you understand, and despite some feelings of confusion and frustration, you empathize with her and embrace her with understanding and love.

You die shortly after, and she is shown above your grave, softly crying.

We see Chiharu's face one last time, promising herself that she will find a way to join you in the next life.

The final shot is a picture of the deceased main character's old study room and desk, piled with papers and cryptic drawings. To the left of the desk is an old withered photo of Chiharu and him much younger and happier.

THE END[/spoiler]

KIOKU'S ROUTE
[spoiler]The night of the dance is here. Everyone is celebrating, dancing and drinks and conversation is everywhere. After the dance, it is the weekend and everyone is going out to parties. You and Kioku decide to take off alone to your apartment. But crossing the street, you are both are struck by a speeding car. The scene fades to black immediately.

You wake up in the hospital and find yourself alone, unaware of how long you have been there and what is going on. Your memory is a blur, but after a few minutes everything comes flooding back. You remember the accident. Panicked, you find a button for a nurse and ask her if your girlfriend is okay. The nurse seems startled to see you. She hurriedly flips through a clipboard, informs you that she does not know the name of the person you are speaking of. You ask how could you not know? She pauses once more, and calmly explains that you have been in a coma for almost a decade.

Fast forward a few days and you have recovered enough to leave the hospital. The first place you visit is the scene of the high school. Seeing it for the first time in ten years, trying to remember what had happened that and the look on Kioku's face. It is at this time the player is informed that the MC was told at some point during the timeskip that Kioku had died on impact at the scene of the accident.

Suddenly, a voice from behind startles you. You turn around to see a familiar face. It is Chiharu, and she does not look a day older. She begins to cry, and says she has something to confess to you. A few days after the accident she was allowed to visit you in the hospital, and she says she did something to help you not die. Confused, you ask her what she means. She asks you, "do I look the same to you as I did then?" You nod your head. She explains to you something she wish she had told you ten years ago - that she has a curse on her that has given her eternal life, and that she has been alive for over 400 years. She quickly shows you her left arm with bizarre black marking that are seeming to envelop her skin. She tells you that she shared her curse with you so that you could live, because she did not want to lose her only friend in this world. But because of this, you are now going to live forever. You pause for a moment, then pull back your sleeve on your left arm. A small black scar like hers that you had never seen before is there. It is alien and smooth to the touch, but yet feels like a part of you.

At this point you can either choose to tell her that you understand or ask why she would do this to you.

I UNDERSTAND: [spoiler]END 2:
If you say that you understand, you feel some compassion in you for her choice. She apologizes profusely, apologizes for Kioku's death, and begins to cry - but you hold her in your arms for a long time. You know that there is nothing you could do to change what had happened.

As time goes on, you discover you rarely need to eat, sleep, and you never seem to visibly age. As the years go by, your attempts to live a normal life begin to become harder to accomplish, as the people you know get older and die while you stay the same. But you have Chiharu and she appreciates your resolve and companionship.

Hundreds of years go by and it shows the two of you together in semi-human forms, watching the world go by with little interest but with some feeling of happiness. There is nothing in the world that you have but eachother.

The final scene shows you and Chiharu paying respects at the overgrown grave of Kioku.

THE END[/spoiler]

WHY DID YOU DO THIS: [spoiler]END 3:
If you say why would you do this to me, you begin to become visibly upset and angry with her. She begins crying harder and tells you she is sorry, but you interrupt her and tell her to leave. She runs away in tears. You think to tell her to stop but you know there is no use.

You do not see her ever again. Soon you begin to notice the effects of the curse - you are rarely hungry or tired, your body does not visibly age at all. Decades go by and your interest in attempting to live a normal life fades. People you know get older and die. Eventually you are alone and your black scars are beginning to take over your entire left arm and soon your body.

Hundreds of years later you are shown alone, in a semi-human state, watching a very different world go by with a defeated and bitter look. Off in the distance the player (but not the main character) sees a semi-human Chiharu peering at him from a safe distance, with a tear in her right human eye, softly whispering to herself, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

THE END[/spoiler][/spoiler]

[bd648]

I'm pretty sure i ended up getting all chiharu points. (i like it)

walk by

eat lunch outside

go with her

chiharu points for all.
side note: dang it i want to work more on visual novels.
if you want me to do anything i'd be happy to lend my assistance.

[dilly]

> walk by +1 chiharu
> eat lunch inside +1 kioku
> go with her +1 chiharu

+2 for chiharu / +1 for kioku

so far, this seems like a very interesting and seems like an unexpected vn! can't wait to see more developement!

also if you need help writing and editing, I am more than happy to help!

[Shida]

> walk by +1 chiharu
> eat lunch inside +1 kioku
> go with her +1 chiharu

+2 for chiharu / +1 for kioku

so far, this seems like a very interesting and seems like an unexpected vn! can't wait to see more developement!

also if you need help writing and editing, I am more than happy to help!

I did this but it seems there's no 'route' I'm locked into now

[CVG]

[spoiler]I ended up picking all of kiokus +1's and so when the ending for kiokus becomes chirarus twist and love confession I was like "uh yeah I had no interest in her the whole time in fact I never even met her once in the whole game" so I picked why did you do this and yeah so bad ending.....actually I disliked both endings and felt cheated in a way that no matter what I ended up doing I have a bad ending. I don't play these types of games granted, but if I had played this I would have probably tried all the endings/people just to get a better one only to find there is no better one (since I guess I die in chirarus ending too) and then made a face like OH :T guess that's the twist of the whole thing. Also and this is just me but I hope you expand on the two girls internal thinking's and characters more since both of them are so flat and tropes I could actually predict how they were going to act before I even had to choose....I mean kiokus bubble head was so much fluff there wasn't even any skill in getting her to like me or even the threat that I might game over because I blew it (she liked me no matter what I guess? That's not a real human reaction it's a video game "girl" persona). Anyways hope that helps.[/spoiler]

[cipher]

I'm seeing a very similar pattern here with that whole introvert / extrovert thread. Each route seems to pretty clearly represent one of those paths

[ZennyPLUS]

I'm seeing a very similar pattern here with that whole introvert / extrovert thread. Each route seems to pretty clearly represent one of those paths

I ended up with Chiharu. I don't have much experience with VN other than Katawa Shoujo, but if you need assistance on character archetypes, writing structures, story structure, narration, etc, I'd be willing to help.

CVG's point about the girl's being flat and non human is true, but I feel that's hard to avoid with VN's. From my take on looking at VN's, archtypes is what actually pulls people into the game and then the characters MAY become more fleshed out throughout the story. Although in some cases, the characters will always remain a archetype (shy girl/quiet = intelligent, loud/outgoing girl = fragile emotions, etc).

[rtil]

> walk by +1 chiharu
> eat lunch inside +1 kioku
> go with her +1 chiharu

+2 for chiharu / +1 for kioku

so far, this seems like a very interesting and seems like an unexpected vn! can't wait to see more developement!

also if you need help writing and editing, I am more than happy to help!

i will definitely need help with that. what i'll be doing is posting basically everything about it here. so when i write a scene i'll post the scene, and if there is a different way you would write it then be sure to let me know.

> walk by +1 chiharu
> eat lunch inside +1 kioku
> go with her +1 chiharu

+2 for chiharu / +1 for kioku

so far, this seems like a very interesting and seems like an unexpected vn! can't wait to see more developement!

also if you need help writing and editing, I am more than happy to help!

I did this but it seems there's no 'route' I'm locked into now

i knew i fucked up somewhere. i've changed it around a bit now. in order to get chiharu's encounter you need to have 2 points, otherwise it doesn't happen. then you either pick up the "chiharu flag" or the "dance flag", locking you in to an ending. try it again now.

I'm pretty sure i ended up getting all chiharu points. (i like it)

walk by

eat lunch outside

go with her

chiharu points for all.
side note: dang it i want to work more on visual novels.
if you want me to do anything i'd be happy to lend my assistance.

thank you. the best thing you can do for me is give me honest feedback.

[spoiler]I ended up picking all of kiokus +1's and so when the ending for kiokus becomes chirarus twist and love confession I was like "uh yeah I had no interest in her the whole time in fact I never even met her once in the whole game" so I picked why did you do this and yeah so bad ending.....actually I disliked both endings and felt cheated in a way that no matter what I ended up doing I have a bad ending. I don't play these types of games granted, but if I had played this I would have probably tried all the endings/people just to get a better one only to find there is no better one (since I guess I die in chirarus ending too) and then made a face like OH :T guess that's the twist of the whole thing. Also and this is just me but I hope you expand on the two girls internal thinking's and characters more since both of them are so flat and tropes I could actually predict how they were going to act before I even had to choose....I mean kiokus bubble head was so much fluff there wasn't even any skill in getting her to like me or even the threat that I might game over because I blew it (she liked me no matter what I guess? That's not a real human reaction it's a video game "girl" persona). Anyways hope that helps.[/spoiler]

actually, you do meet chiharu and spend an evening with her in the beginning of the game no matter what. perhaps you forgot or skipped that part? it's the 2nd paragraph of the story structure under "meeting chiharu".

as far as the girls being flat, predictable tropes that you hate; people read off visual cues and i think that's important. as far as character development goes there isn't much yet because i just wanted to get the basic story down first so you can see where it goes. of course in the actual writing the characters will be developed more. as it stands if you don't think kioku is real or believable just because she has a crush on the new kid in town (which is sort of the idea i have going through my head at the moment), or you find that insulting somehow, then well i'm sorry but that's just how i want the character to be for convenience's sake. it doesn't mean she is incapable of having a personality - there are people like her in the real world, if that pisses you off then there's nothing i can do about that. she's not perfect, despite being a girl who has a lot going for her. i would like to write in something in the story that she opens up in a different way to the player than is seen at first, but i don't know what yet. obviously you will be spending a lot of time with kioku in the beginning of the game, a few hours every day for a week. so i think that is a lot of opportunity that i glazed over quickly for character development.

and as for being cheated on the ending i get that completely and i know it will upset anyone who finds chiharu annoying or repulsive. i'm not sure how i feel about that. i wanted the story to be about the secret of chiharu's eternal curse. using the player's interest in kioku as an unknown vehicle towards that end is an act of betrayal on my part based on how both endings go. but that could easily be changed and i could throw out both endings. as it goes right now up until the part where he finds out that he has been in a coma for over a decade, i'm still willing to be more flexible on the two "kioku" endings.

if you have any ideas for a better twist besides a worse variation on kioku's ending, i'm all ears.

lastly, in visual novels there really isn't much to be had in the way of "skill" - yes some VN's are all about trying to bang a girl but mine is about telling a story with different endings and there are different ways to get there based on seemingly unimportant decisions. just like in real life, the smallest change in your actions have a ripple effect on everything else that ends up happening to you in the future, and there was always something else you could have done in an alternate universe that may have changed the course in your life.

I'm seeing a very similar pattern here with that whole introvert / extrovert thread. Each route seems to pretty clearly represent one of those paths

I ended up with Chiharu. I don't have much experience with VN other than Katawa Shoujo, but if you need assistance on character archetypes, writing structures, story structure, narration, etc, I'd be willing to help.

CVG's point about the girl's being flat and non human is true, but I feel that's hard to avoid with VN's. From my take on looking at VN's, archtypes is what actually pulls people into the game and then the characters MAY become more fleshed out throughout the story. Although in some cases, the characters will always remain a archetype (shy girl/quiet = intelligent, loud/outgoing girl = fragile emotions, etc).

katawa shoujo did that with almost every single route except lilly if i think about it - despite lilly being my favorite route she didn't change much throughout it. every other girl had something underneath their outward character when you got to know them that completely changed your perspective on who they were (except maybe hanako because of the obvious visible scars).

that maybe i could completely overhaul how chiharu acts and appears to the player is of interest to me. however, i have to keep asking myself the question, what would a girl act like whos been alive and alone for 400 years who is still trying to be a human?

[bd648]

the whole chiharu is really old is kinda out of the blue. Its like walking to your car one day only to find out it was replaced by a car shaped hunk of cheese. it feels weird

[cipher]

the whole chiharu is really old is kinda out of the blue. Its like walking to your car one day only to find out it was replaced by a car shaped hunk of cheese. it feels weird

Yeah I think you'll need to add a bit of buildup with this concept. Like really hint at the fact that there's something mysterious about this character, the house alone won't really cut it. At the very least have her accidentally drop a line or two that hints at it (you'll probably need a bit more than that though)

[rtil]

yeah i guess it does hit you like a brick

i just had an idea for new alternate kioku endings, but there is a continuity issue with them.
[spoiler]after the accident, instead of the coma and 10 years, kioku and the mc unexpectedly live even though they were declared dead at the scene. it turns out that chiharu was able to use her life force to bring you back from the dead but it ended up killing her , or that she drained most of her life and meets you one last time to tell you before never being seen again/assumingly dying. she recognized the relationship you and kioku had and sacrificed herself for that.

the continuity problem now is how to explain that she can bring back people to life and drain her life force, then why wouldnt she just bring mc back to life in the chiharu ending after he died? this would require more explanation on her curse and what it made her capable of[/spoiler]

[Evelynn]

Walk by

Eat lunch outside

Chiharu 2 points

Chiharu End

[spoiler]I loved the diversity of her route in the fact that you don't expect it but I don't feel her story was really given justice in length and getting to 'build a relationship' with this character as a reader, also the ending is sad ; _; and as I would have been understanding, half of me would be... "asdhjfabgsligvalsvgl;a WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY"[/spoiler]

[ZennyPLUS]

Curious. Will there be other characters (I say this cause possible love interest maybe be male or female, though male is heavily unlikely)?

[rtil]

Walk by

Eat lunch outside

Chiharu 2 points

Chiharu End

[spoiler]I loved the diversity of her route in the fact that you don't expect it but I don't feel her story was really given justice in length and getting to 'build a relationship' with this character as a reader, also the ending is sad ; _; and as I would have been understanding, half of me would be... "asdhjfabgsligvalsvgl;a WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY"[/spoiler]

[spoiler]maybe when ti is written out longer , you'll feel more connected to chiharu since the scenes will last longer story-wise. i'm glad you liked the ending though[/spoiler]

Curious. Will there be other characters (I say this cause possible love interest maybe be male or female, though male is heavily unlikely)?

yeah, i will pepper it with minor characters here and there to make it feel more like mc is not just friends with 2 girls and nothing else. for example, i want him to be talking to male classmates after school on the day he's going to miss the bus and bump into chiharu.

also, prepare for a major overhaul of the kioku endings - im' completely re-writing them and i have a much better idea for them.

[Evelynn]

also, prepare for a major overhaul of the kioku endings - im' completely re-writing them and i have a much better idea for them.

In that case, I'll wait for the updated version of Kiokus' story as to not make me biased of any changes and past paths

[CVG]

[spoiler]I ended up picking all of kiokus +1's and so when the ending for kiokus becomes chirarus twist and love confession I was like "uh yeah I had no interest in her the whole time in fact I never even met her once in the whole game" so I picked why did you do this and yeah so bad ending.....actually I disliked both endings and felt cheated in a way that no matter what I ended up doing I have a bad ending. I don't play these types of games granted, but if I had played this I would have probably tried all the endings/people just to get a better one only to find there is no better one (since I guess I die in chirarus ending too) and then made a face like OH :T guess that's the twist of the whole thing. Also and this is just me but I hope you expand on the two girls internal thinking's and characters more since both of them are so flat and tropes I could actually predict how they were going to act before I even had to choose....I mean kiokus bubble head was so much fluff there wasn't even any skill in getting her to like me or even the threat that I might game over because I blew it (she liked me no matter what I guess? That's not a real human reaction it's a video game "girl" persona). Anyways hope that helps.[/spoiler]

actually, you do meet chiharu and spend an evening with her in the beginning of the game no matter what. perhaps you forgot or skipped that part? it's the 2nd paragraph of the story structure under "meeting chiharu".

as far as the girls being flat, predictable tropes that you hate; people read off visual cues and i think that's important. as far as character development goes there isn't much yet because i just wanted to get the basic story down first so you can see where it goes. of course in the actual writing the characters will be developed more. as it stands if you don't think kioku is real or believable just because she has a crush on the new kid in town (which is sort of the idea i have going through my head at the moment), or you find that insulting somehow, then well i'm sorry but that's just how i want the character to be for convenience's sake. it doesn't mean she is incapable of having a personality - there are people like her in the real world, if that pisses you off then there's nothing i can do about that. she's not perfect, despite being a girl who has a lot going for her. i would like to write in something in the story that she opens up in a different way to the player than is seen at first, but i don't know what yet. obviously you will be spending a lot of time with kioku in the beginning of the game, a few hours every day for a week. so i think that is a lot of opportunity that i glazed over quickly for character development.

and as for being cheated on the ending i get that completely and i know it will upset anyone who finds chiharu annoying or repulsive. i'm not sure how i feel about that. i wanted the story to be about the secret of chiharu's eternal curse. using the player's interest in kioku as an unknown vehicle towards that end is an act of betrayal on my part based on how both endings go. but that could easily be changed and i could throw out both endings. as it goes right now up until the part where he finds out that he has been in a coma for over a decade, i'm still willing to be more flexible on the two "kioku" endings.

if you have any ideas for a better twist besides a worse variation on chiharu's ending, i'm all ears.

lastly, in visual novels there really isn't much to be had in the way of "skill" - yes some VN's are all about trying to bang a girl but mine is about telling a story with different endings and there are different ways to get there based on seemingly unimportant decisions. just like in real life, the smallest change in your actions have a ripple effect on everything else that ends up happening to you in the future, and there was always something else you could have done in an alternate universe that may have changed the course in your life.

Okay I highlighted above the parts that I never SAID nor even THOUGHT! Yes because any crits I make on an anime based VN means I MUST be an all out HATING INSULTED PISSED OFF individual with anything I criticized in your project right?? hahaha. I didn't hate any of it, I picked all of kiokus BECAUSE she was the outgoing one and the nice one in my mind; I just wish she had more substance as a person (you know like getting to know why she has a crush on me in particular or was it just an infatuation with the new guys?). And Chiharu was not annoying or repulsive at all...I didn't like her because she was heartless and selfish in doing what she did in kiokus endings when I didn't even like her (I was leaning toward Kioku the whole time!) so the fact that the one person I wanted to be with dies in the car crash and she bothers to keep me alive cursed for EVER so I can choose to be with the girl I didn't want or I can be alone forever was just bad endings all around haha. I think what would been a better ending to have in there is that IF I had taken a few +1 Chiharu paths along the way then we can see she becomes more in love with me yet heartbroken when I end up going full Kioku path...and then the car hits us. And right before I black out we see a blurry Chiharu is looking over us and we have to say 1, "Chiharu...." or 2. "Kioku..." and then we fade to black. If we said "Chiharu" then she understands that as YOU PICKED ME and we wake up alone decades later and get those bad endings...but is as we were dying and said "Kioku" then Chiharu's heart breaks knowing HE DOESNT WANT ME and she revives us both. So as me and Kioku wake up confused (and now immortal) and we are happy to have each other but we don't know that in the distance Chiharu learned some humility and humanity and let us be in love even if it causes her eternal grief seeing us now together FOREVER, but she did that because deep down she knows that it's what would have made me happy.....In that ending we get Kioku but it's still tragic because we now know more about the curse and feel for Chiharu since she makes a sacrifice and loses us but does it because she was compelled by love to do it. Again hope that helps and you don't jump the gun on me thinking I can't have an intelligent conversation about critiquing something even if I myself don't have any desire to play vns, I'm just looking at the thing as if it were a writing and this was real character building for a script/story.

[rtil]

it sounded like you were upset because you didn't like the characters, so that's what i got out of it.

the endings are supposed to be bad endings, unlesss you mean bad as in poorly thought out.

the problem with chiharu is that i don't want her to come off as selfish , but it's hard to avoid that by her making that decision after the accident. because of this, i have a new idea for the kioku path that i think you will like a lot better. but it requires some tricky re-writing on the origin of chiharu's curse and how it works. it's sort of along the lines of what you are suggesting with the choice of humility, but you'll have to wait until i can rewrite it properly.

i know that you can have an intelligent discussion about this you are a writer and you write good characters. i got the wrong impression based on your first post, it sounded angry or upset to me. i can understand that right now the characters deserve more development and that kioku's ending is not what the player deserves. but it seemed like you had a problem with the fact that kioku is the way she is , when really it is because there just needs to be more story behind it. i promise i will do that once i get the basic structure intact. i want to make sure the story is well rooted before i start writing too much because if it becomes too complicated i will have too many plot holes to cover up.

[mysterycycle]

Interesting idea. Here's how I played through:

- Walk By
- Eat Lunch Inside (though admittedly I was imagining "find someplace quiet inside to eat" not "cafeteria", so I imagine the full version would give me enough description to realize that was the choice I was making.)
Chiharu +1
Kioku +2
Dance Flag
= END 2
- I Understand

My reaction to the story was a bit of surprise that Kioku was taking such a considerable interest in the MC so quickly, to the degree that they might be hopping in the sack ("possible H-scene") after they've just met. Again, I imagine that in a more fully-written final form it might not seem so quick, but from this outline I can't tell if that was your intention or not. In any case, the revelation in End 2 was quite dramatic and unexpected. I liked it for its emotional impact, and was intrigued by the twist it brought to the story. In the end, I think I chose "I Understand" not necessarily because I was pleased with her decision (I'm still undecided on that), but because I understood why she would have made such a choice. There would likely still be a lot of work (and drama!) in bringing me to feel something more than sympathy for her, but I would definitely be interested in navigating that story.

In the end, it sounds like it could make for an interesting VN. I think I'm still quite enamored of the "choose one girl to pursue out of the group" style of VNs (do they call them "harem" games? Sounds so sordid...), so I admit I immediately assumed the game would be about picking which girl I want to pursue romantically. That may have colored my opinions, but I've only played a few VNs or VN-like games...

Is that at all helpful?

[rtil]

yes thank you. the ending you got to is being completely re-written in the sense that it may fit your original idea of how you thought it was going to play out. but it will still involve chiharu, just not as much as before. i'm still debating about the h-scenes as i don't think they will add anything of value to the story beyond an artificial emotional or physical attatchment to the character .. although i guess that's not so terrible. but i wouldnt' want it to feel forced, either. it's probably too sudden as it is atm.

[Evelynn]

I felt like from what I've read the H-scene's would put a sour flavor to the character attachment given the circumstances