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Offline occoris
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« on: November 20, 2006 09:13 AM »
One of my friends wanted to make a fantasy graphic novel (well that's what he calls it; I say a comic is a comic ), so I wrote this. However, I'm completely incapable of judging my own work, so I'd like to ask an impartial audience what they think of the following:

-Consider Kint, before it all began.

Consider the strongholds of Desmond, God of cowardice, whose paranoid priests weilded His holy powers of Geomancery and Construction with the utmost care. Consider, to the east, the befouled lands of Sero the tempter, whose dark gifts of Illusionism and Demonology suited His cruel clerics well. And consider, to the north, the territories held by Lyt, ruthless God of both light and shadows. It was His path that I then followed, His people that I protected, and His crafts of Alethiomancery and Shifting that I practiced.

There has always been an argument over the actual power of my lord. Certainly He had more followers than the other two combined, but it was equally certain that they were less organised, loyal and powerful than their counterparts under Sero and Desmond. He had far more land than His rivals, but his hold on it was weak, and it contained far more barren wasteland than suited my tastes. Like so much involving Lyt, the actual extent of His power was a mystery.

I was not happy in this place, and rightly so. My lord had neither the strength to break through Desmond’s defenses, nor the foolishness to risk Sero’s retaliation, and thus refused to send me against either of them. Instead, He would bid me fight the bandits, monsters and diseases that thrived so strongly in what was supposedly His domain. Catching thieves, slaying vampires, curing peasants  . . . how I hated such simple jobs, and how I yearned to leave this bland rock for somewhere more interesting.

But still . . . it’s a living.-

. . . and . . .

-Shifting . . . the most wonderous and versatile of arts, a magic which can be used any time, anywhere, on anyone. An accomplished Shifter can draw air from a friend’s lungs and blast it at a foe, or move the warmth of their body into that of a freezing child. I could accomplish either of these feats competently, but my greatest strength was with illness: the power to draw a plague, pox or ailment from an ally and hurl it at an enemy. The only restrictions are that said thing must be taken from inside someone’s body, and that said person agrees to it; neither of which are a problem when it comes to my speciality.-
« Last Edit: November 23, 2006 10:40 AM by occoris »
-I have no idea what I just did, but did it I did and doing it is what I have done.-

Offline rtil
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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2006 01:40 AM »
i tried to read this but honestly i have a HORRIBLE attention span when it comes to reading. .. but judging from the first few lines and the last paragraph it sounds rather delicious.

Offline occoris
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« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2006 08:55 AM »
Reading through it, I see what you mean. I really oughta shorten some of those sentences.
-I have no idea what I just did, but did it I did and doing it is what I have done.-

Offline occoris
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« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2006 10:22 AM »
Okay, edited it. Hopefully with this one you can finish a sentence and actually remember how it started.

-Consider Kint, before it all began.

Consider the strongholds of Desmond, God of cowardice, whose paranoid priests weilded His holy powers of Geomancery and Construction with the utmost care. Consider, to the east, the befouled lands of Sero the tempter, whose dark gifts of Illusionism and Demonology suited His unholy clerics well. And consider, to the north, the territories held by Lyt, ruthless God of both light and shadows. It was His path that I then followed, His people that I protected, and His crafts of Alethiomancery and Shifting that I practiced.

There has always been an argument over the actual power of my lord. Certainly He had more followers than the other two combined, but it was equally certain that they were less organised, loyal and powerful than their counterparts under Sero and Desmond. He had far more land than His rivals, but his hold on it was weak, and it contained far more barren wasteland than suited my tastes. Like so much involving Lyt, the actual extent of His power was a mystery.

I was not happy in this place, and rightly so. My lord had neither the strength to break through Desmond’s defenses, nor the foolishness to risk Sero’s retaliation, and thus refused to send me against either of them. Instead, He would bid me fight the bandits, monsters and diseases that thrived so strongly in what was supposedly His domain. Catching thieves, slaying vampires, curing peasants  . . . how I hated such simple jobs, and how I yearned to leave this bland rock for somewhere more interesting.

But still . . . it’s a living.-
« Last Edit: November 23, 2006 10:39 AM by occoris »
-I have no idea what I just did, but did it I did and doing it is what I have done.-

Offline dilly
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« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2006 10:31 AM »
I thought it was good. Kind of reminded me of Dreamfall... I don't know why, it just does.

<@reptilicus> am I in backwards land?
<@reptilicus> if i go to the toilet will poop go up into my rectum

Offline occoris
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« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2006 10:38 AM »
Nor am I, really.

(reply to Athing)

*Googles Dreamfall and spends a few minutes reading*.

I sorta see what you mean, Dilly
« Last Edit: November 23, 2006 10:32 AM by occoris »
-I have no idea what I just did, but did it I did and doing it is what I have done.-

Offline dilly
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« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2006 10:43 AM »
One of the best games I've played on the computer. The story line is awesome, that they should seriously consider it making a film.

<@reptilicus> am I in backwards land?
<@reptilicus> if i go to the toilet will poop go up into my rectum

Offline rtil
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« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2006 01:22 PM »
it's a great introduction. i read the whole thing this time lool.

Offline occoris
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« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2006 02:41 PM »
Why lol?
-I have no idea what I just did, but did it I did and doing it is what I have done.-

Offline KingDavid
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« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2006 04:56 PM »
I find washing machines hold my attention span longer than any video-game - let alone a book.

(BFM7)
Quote from: taylor
Quote from: Sinitron
it sucks ass okay

and muse isnt that great anyway
thanks ill use this comment to help myself improve

Offline rtil
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« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2006 06:40 PM »
Because it's pathetic I have trouble reading a few paragraphs in the same period of time.

Quote from: occoris
Why lol?

Offline dilly
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« Reply #11 on: December 14, 2006 01:18 PM »
Quote from: KingDavid
I find washing machines hold my attention span longer than any video-game - let alone a book.

(BFM7)

woah... I am so sorry. That must be a painfull life in my opinion...

« Last Edit: December 14, 2006 01:18 PM by dillybar »

<@reptilicus> am I in backwards land?
<@reptilicus> if i go to the toilet will poop go up into my rectum